Happy 2020 to us all.
This was the last line of the last post I wrote on this blog.
It's not like I haven't written anything this past year. But when it came to writing something that reflected on what was happening and how I would describe it....I have a folder of "thoughts." Basically sentence fragments where I started writing something and then became immobilized - what else I could possibly say about it?
I was constantly inundated with people's thoughts. I found myself compulsively reading and watching anything about the virus and social justice and politics. A train-wreck on almost every front, and I could not look away.
Did I mention that I taught every semester in 2020, including the summer. Online.
IT. WAS. EXHAUSTING.
So in the spirit of fully disclosing here are some attempts.....
January 1, 2020
The elm trees down the street. In any season they were exceptional and created a cathedral of branches that always left one in awe. Colors and light, time and space all filtered through their leaves and branches.
February 25 2020
It’s the scene in A BEAUTIFUL DAY IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD that takes place in the subway. Where everyone in the car breaks into the song of the same name - and suddenly there is such a familial feeling in the little community of this one subway car….you know that every single one of those people have had their lives changed by this moment - and they will go forward never being the same again. Their lives have been changed by being in the presence of this person.
That is one of the things that Fred Rogers did. He was so unexpectedly unconditional in his interest and caring for his fellow beings - that he created an army of folks who took his message to heart and forwarded it to others.
John and I were watching a video we shot in 1998 at LeCache. Joe is sitting naked on a rock proclaiming his one-ness with Lake Superior. He and Evan are four years old and full of butt talk and unlimited curiosity.
Muriel and John were the Fred Rogers of this family and what they created has moved forward and blossomed in ways the no one could have imagined.
Thoughts after a discussion with students about Martha Nussbaum's The Fragility of Goodness.
February 26th
- A life of solitary revenge where nothing can be trusted…
- Being open to the world - trusting in things that can lead you to possibly being shattered
- A willingness to be exposed
- Tragedy happens when you are trying to live well
- If people have decent love and decent support, they will become virtuous
- A livable life - a life that is rich and full of meaning
- All require support from the surrounding society….(ROLE OF POLITICS)
- arts / politicians / the people
April 13Watching videos that we are just starting to digitize. Joe is three - and taking water samples in Seminary Woods. John and I burst out laughing - seeing how much of himself he already is at that age.
The videos are long. Over an hour some of them. Watching them, how reflective they are. They are meditations on the passage of time, raising children, how we often are what we become.
April 17....over ten thousand deaths in New York…over 22 thousand nationwide….
People keep saying that you should keep a journal during this time period. You can see how well I am doing above. I type a sentence and then ….. stop.
Eventually there will be no where to go to get away from this. I keep seeing people leave. Where are they going? How are they leaving? Do you know where they’re going?
Flimsy.
March 14
JUNE 12James Baldwin…what would he say about "we don’t need allies, we need accomplices?"
It felt strange knowing that my family and I were now members of a “vanguard” that we’d never aspired to join, reinventing grief in an era of enforced isolation. An article in Le Monde about the phenomenon quoted Émile Durkheim saying that “any communion of consciousness, in whatever form it takes place, enhances social vitality.” That seemed positive, plus we’d decided that, in our new role as bereavement disrupters, we could dispense with the hearse and, for that matter, an officiant.
I have been unable to do anything but the most mundane of tasks lately. Writing seems impossible, working in the studio often finds me staring into space. Pages and pages of copy/pasted quotes seems the best I can do.
From a small edition that I made in the Spring. I tried sending a copy to every student I was working with...some of them never got theirs. It was more energy than I had to deal with it. I started making extras - which they will get at some point.
COLOPHON
As I write this, the world seems totally changed from a year ago. Not that it doesn’t always change - but now it is different in ways that I doubt anyone would have expected. It is more important than ever before to reach out one another - for comfort, for connection and to hear each other.
This book was born as the COVID pandemic began, with a group of folks who did a hard pivot as we all quarantined in place. It speaks to the regenerative nature of both teaching and living.
Eco-dyed pages, turmeric ink from my kitchen, and beeswax.
Milwaukee Wisconsin Spring 2020
June 29, 2020
I love having a front porch to sit on, it makes me aware of more of the neighborhood going on around me - well at least another perspective of it. It’s end of June green. And though I have no real complaints about where I am or what I am doing, I do miss the open highways always pointing north. I miss traveling the length of the lake.
July 11, 2020
Suddenly a new awareness that I am moving into a new phase of life. The morbid phase, I told Joe on the phone this morning. Aside from feeling invisible - my body is betraying me in new and weird ways. And Lindsay broke her leg again. And John now reads the newspaper and highlights everything. And we have been alone in the house together for too long....
After a tumultuous election that isn’t decided yet, I was invited by a former student - Chris Heckman, to attend a virtual gathering for a community based organization in Cincinnati.
Mission Peaslee Neighborhood Center is a peaceful place in Over-The-Rhine where residents create and engage in participatory education to foster creative expression, self-determination, and social change.
July18, 2020This is their 10th Annual fundraiser. It is a such a wonderful event to be invited to. Folks from all over community talking about the social justice, educational and arts based experiences.
As the country reels from a pandemic and sinks into facism, I mourn the loss of John Lewis this morning He was an agent of love. Was proud of that. I need to remember this as I sit in isolation - fuming. Will the country rise to his example? I just don't know. I just can't say this morning.
- The sweep of history.
December 31, 2020Ashley dropped off a copy of Ross Gay’s THE BOOK OF DELIGHTS just before Christmas. Today I finally picked it up and started reading. I love the idea of writing everyday. I try and mostly fail every time I attempt it. But he inspires me to try again. Small delights, gratitude - all seem perfectly reasonable, but also done. I want to look at it another way.
Last day of the year. Read this in a time magazine article from June , and I wonder how this woman is doing now:
"I have become depressed, living my COVID days. While my tolerance for aloneness is huge, it is no match for this virus and what it demands from us to stay safe."
Lots of reflections today on every media source that you can imagine. Things you won’t miss about this past year - things you will miss.
John just made the last batch of his home-made oatmeal of 2020. The tips of the branches on the Christmas tree are starting to droop a little.
How did I end up living in a country that is such a fucking mess, can’t organize anything - is full of racism and hate. HOW? (rhetorical question....asked while screaming at the television.).
Promise not to wait another year. Honest.
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